I’ve come to realise that blogging with anxiety is not the easiest of things.
How can you blog when you have anxiety?
How can you have anxiety when you blog?
Often the two go head to head and many a blog has been left unwritten.
Should I just give up and realise it’s just not going to work for me?
I love to write but barely do I ever get anything written. The voice is so loud, it goes on and on and on, a running commentary inside my head.
From the moment I wake to the moment I sleep there is this constant ball of anxiety sitting in my chest, putting me on edge, waiting for anything to go wrong, for anyone to judge me just so it can be proved right.
I love life, I love to live my life but my days off are mostly spent sitting in my room (like I am now) staring, thinking, over thinking.
I should go to town, I should do writing, I should see my Nan/grandma, I need to see my friends but no, evening comes and I’m still sat where I was when I woke.
Another day has passed.
Work is my hiding place, I get anxious about being there, I worry constantly about everything going wrong or being asked things I don’t know but at least there, there I have peace from my social mind.
“Sorry I can’t meet tonight I’m working till 9pm”
“Sorry I can’t visit nan I’m working”
“Sorry I’m not off that day”
The list is endless and everyday I beat myself up because I have wasted yet another day, another has passed me by.
I wish I knew why my brain works the way it does, I wish I could switch it all off and re-boot it like you do with computers but I don’t seem to know how.
There must be a way? I’ve got this far in life, so the voice and the anxiety can be beaten but never for long enough.
Why is that little voice so important? Why does it win above all else?
It’s only me and my thoughts.
Everyday is a battle and one I have to keep fighting but sometimes I just don’t have enough soldiers, sometimes I’m too exhausted, so I sit and I wait, wait for it to pass, wait for it to become a little easier to handle, so that I can at least have some time for me.
But it’s still there just a little quieter for now, gathering its troops, rebuilding its weapons, getting ready to attack.
Battle number to many to count, waiting to charge.
The voice is never quiet for long, the anxiety is never gone, but I like to write, I like to read, I like to blog, I just have to keep trying but I just want people aware that I’m not lazy, I’m not fickle or unorganised, I’m anxious.
I want to write your review, I want to see your play, I want to hang out with my friends, I want to meet new people, I want to make memories and experience new things but right now the battle has been fought and I have been left drained.
I will rebuild, I will get my troops together but I need patience, I need time, I need reassurance.
Anxiety is a bitch and it’s real and it affects us all in one way or another, so let’s be kind, let’s ease the pressure, let’s just try and help each other get through this thing called life.