“Sometimes you need to get lost to find your way.”
Where have I been?
The answer is, I don’t know.
I have been neglecting my blog for a while now and its not because I’m lazy or just cant be bothered or even that I have nothing to say (trust me I have a lot in this brain). The simple answer is I let my (negative) brain win, I let the little voices in my head take over and they got me good.
I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the perfect blogger (what even is that?) not just the perfect blogger but just perfect in general (ridiculous I know).
I was so busy comparing myself to other writers that it made me feel that I wasn’t doing good enough, I actually made my thoughts and fears a reality, I stopped writing as much and when I did write I had changed my writing style. I started to try and adapt my writing and reviews to how I thought it should sound instead of how I wanted it to sound, I wasn’t being myself and writing how I wanted. I was rushing out my reviews because I was doubting my writing and my ability to review, was I good enough to have an opinion on what I was seeing/reading? who was I to say if this was good or bad?
I kept thinking I had to do more, be more, see more but what I really needed to do was stop.
The last few months have been hard, knowing that you want to write but you just cant. Knowing that you have probably messed up any chance of being a “successful” blogger because you couldn’t physically reply to the emails, or post a blog, feeling mentally drained but at the same time wanting to carry on, wanting to write that blog but getting nothing out.
Anxiety sucks, it makes you doubt everything you do, it gets to the point where you don’t even know if your doing things because you want to or because you are forcing yourself to, this then makes you do absolutely nothing because you think that’s what’s best but do you know what? you still feel like shit. I wasted my day because I thought that’s what I wanted but also I couldn’t do anything with it anyway because my brain wouldn’t let me (swings and roundabouts).
My brain is full of activity but my actual body is not.
I have been constantly questioning myself these last few months about whether I really wanted to blog or was I just doing it because everyone else was doing it?
The answer is I’m not sure, once I start writing I cant seem to stop, I enjoy it, I enjoy getting my words out on a page or seeing them on screen. Do they make sense? Half the time probably not but I enjoy blogging once I get started but is it really meant to be this hard?
Is it always going to be this hard?
My brain is a constant noise that never stops, like a busy train station or the under ground. One thought leaves just in time for another one to take its place, dropping of loads more, annoying little niggly feelings and thoughts. My brain is basically the London underground at rush hour but 24/7.
Does this mean I give up? No of course not but it does mean that every once in a while I need to just stop, breath and acknowledge my thoughts and feelings.
To be honest I do love to blog and write. The more I write here, now, today, the more I realise, this is something I enjoy but will I be able to go back to reviewing shows and books? I hope so, I just need to just be more honest when I can’t do something or even when I don’t want to. I need to be okay to say no, its okay not to go to every show or read every book. I need to just remember I’m in charge of me and what I do.
Its impossible to do it all.
When I went into blogging I went into it like a bull in a china shop, I wanted it all, I wanted to do it all and I expected myself to know it all, I didn’t stop to ask questions or to ask for help.
So am I back blogging? I think I might be but hopefully I am back with a little less pressure on myself to be perfect and hopefully I will be a little bit kinder to myself.
Most importantly, I hope I’m back in it for me because I want to be.
Am I the worlds best writer? No but have I enjoyed writing this blog? Yes!
I think I have answered my own question whilst writing this very blog tonight. What started as a negative piece has now ended positive, I feel better, I feel relieved and I also bloody loved writing this blog.
That doesn’t mean that tomorrow I will wake up fixed, it just means that maybe every now and then the rush hour in my brain calms just enough to let the kind, polite commuters in on the journey, who knows.
I conquered my demons for today and it did take all day, its now 1am but hopefully tomorrow they will be a little smaller and I wont regret writing or posting this blog.
If you have read this far, thank you, I hope it helps you, just like writing it seems to have helped me.
Remember to be kind to yourself, its a crazy world we live in with a lot of stress in it already, we don’t need to be adding anymore.
“Always be positive”
*Trips down stairs* Me: “woo, I got down those stairs fast!”